Lost in Translation

  "Hey boss!  How you goin?  Bloody hell doc, it's me boy.  He's been crook all week.  He's chesty.  Been using his pumps and he hasn't come right.  Can you have a look at his knee too?  He crashed on the assfelt yisterday and it looks sore as.  Is that the school sores doc? His mate has them.  He says it hurts a bit when he wees.  Been going to the loo alot.  My ex partner has been usin the P, so I got him for while.  Where ya from, boss?  Canada?"

     A joy of primary care medicine is being on the front lines where communication is of the utmost importance.  As advertised, New Zealand is an english speaking country. As you can see from the above paraphrased medical complaint, given by the father of a young boy I saw in the office during my first weeks of work here, the slang leaves me wondering if I am actually hearing english. Some days I wonder if the translation given me by dial a translator for my spanish speaking patients back in the States was more reliable than my own interpretations here. 
    Fortunately NZLocums anticipates this difficulty for locums physicians and gives us a brief handout regarding some of the slang that can be encountered in daily medical practice.  The list of translated words is a great starting point, but the accents and inflections sometimes have confused me.  Now after several weeks of being here, I feel like I have "wrapped my head around" some of the lingo.  So for the unitiated,here is the above complaint with my translation and thoughts in parenthesis: 

  Hey boss! (Hello doctor!)  How you goin?  (How are you?)  Bloody hell doc, it's me boy.  (Doctor, I am worried about my son.)  He's been crook all week. (He has been sick, not a criminal, all week).  He's chesty. (He is coughing..not gynecomastia...slow down medical translator brain.)  Can you have a look at his knee too? (Whew, back on track with my interpretation.) He crashed on the assfelt yisterday and it looks sore as. (Ok so black top is asphalt here too, but it sounds like the way I spelled it above. Yisterday= yesterday not a typo on my part, just the way it sounds when spoken here.  It looks infected.)  Is that the school sores doc?  (Is that impetigo doctor?  The school gets blamed for a community acquired infection.)  His mate has them.  (His friend has them.)  He says it hurts when he wees. Been going to the loo alot.  (I got distracted on this part, since my medical training took place in Minnesota,where people go to Duluth, not to da loo!)  My ex partner has been usin the P, so I got him for awhile.  (Unfortunately P is methamphetamine which is doing damage worldwide).  Where you from Boss?  Canada? (Thank goodness I do not have a southern drawl like that idiot who used to run our country.)  

        The conclusion of this office visit is part of the translation of which I will never tire.   After a successful interaction of building a relationship with the patient and his father, in which proper treatment is given for this young boy's impetigo, ballanitis, and asthma, his father responded with, "Sweet as boss, that is just brilliant!"  I summoned up my best Kiwi slang with a smile and responded "Cheers, Mate!" 
        Now that is "SWEET AS!"